Let’s talk about trying to run. With flamingos. Accompanied by a variety of has-been 80s hair bands and a hefty sampling of craft beers. On a booze cruise.
To do this we must break it down. Backwards. (What follows is 97% true.)
Our friends at Urban Dictionary define a booze cruise as “A cruise (usually a short one lasting 3 days) in which the point of the vacation is to go on a drinking binge at sea and the ports that accompany it.”
This particular booze cruise departed (or “embarked as I learned to say) from the spring break hellhole, Art Deco wonderland, Escobarian cash funnel known as Miami. On embarkation day, I witnessed exactly one cross-dresser called Gigi with her lady bits in exactly two security guards’ faces; approximately three bachelorette parties (from Atlanta, Tampa, and Des Moines respectively) at a 4 PM pool part at the Clevelander hotel; and five gentlemen trying to sell me 6 grams of Colombian cocaine. It was a veritable 12 Days of South Beach. And then we got on the Norwegian Pearl and sailed out to sea until 4G was but a figment of my imagination.
Craft Beers and 80s Hair Bands
These two things are about as similar as a prom queen at a gangbang. Which is to say, not at all, and completely. The Craft Beer People (CBPs) were ensconced in Coachella-wear, Trustafarian-chic skirts, and enough pairs of Rainbows to shoe the entire city of Boulder. On the other hand, the Hair Band Has Beens (HBHBs) tended to sport long, grey hair, ZZ Top beards, and enough leather to satisfy half of the late Trash & Vaudeville.
The CBPs were there for Stone Ruination and Kyle Hollingsworth of String Cheese Incident fame. The HBHBs were there for buckets of Bud Lite and Molly Hachet. One time, I found myself in the gym with a former member of String Cheese and the former (legendary) drummer of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Michael Cartellone (now an artist). String Cheese was doing medicine ball crunches; the drummer was on the elliptical. Can’t make this shit up.
There are apparently a lot of flamingos in the Bahamas. I didn’t see any. Moving on.
The Main Event
In between Power Hour with 10-percent beers before the late night Kyle Hollingworth jam session with the CBP, buckets of Bud Lite (for $41) before Molly Hatchet with HBHBs, and dressing up like The Dude (did I mention is was a LewBREWski cruise theme), there was time to run.
The fine people at Norwegian Cruise Lines clearly had fitness in mind when they designed the Pearl. Deck 13 featured a .12 mile track allowing for panoramic views of the ocean. The supple surfaces were shock absorbent and resisted slipping. Just like my Flamingos on a Booze Cruise Goodr shades. I was lookin’ slick without the slip. Which was good, given that the combination of a plethora of booze, seasickness, and running was a potential recipe for disaster.
Additionally, the track allowed for agility drills. Dodging breakfast stout guzzling cruisers allowed me to fine-tune both my agility and mental acuity as the CBP heckled in a beer fueled, 8 AM haze of sea mist and the after effects of last night’s fog machines.
The Moral of the Story
This all seems like a lot of work you might think. Why not just drink beer with the CBP and listen to washed up, 80s HBHBs? Why navigate a track laden with passed out Trustafarians, potential members of Hells Angels, and beer vomit in pursuit of one good work out?
I’ll tell you why. I run on booze cruises to run off the calories of last night’s 11% Hunahpu Imperial Stout from Cigar City. I run to eliminate the shame of eating pasta with my hands like a preschooler in PlayDoh class from the all-you-can-eat buffet at 2 AM. I run to cleanse myself of the shame of head banging to an HBHB playing Greatest Hits of 1983. I run to minimize the memory of the Shall Not Be Named Band spinning College Day-Drinking Music Greatest Hits of 1996. But mostly, I run to forget the fact that last night, at 3 AM, I found myself on a velour canopy bed, in a place called the Bliss Lounge, onboard the Norwegian Pearl, listening to piss poor karaoke, drinking beer with the owner of a prominent craft brewery, and talking about The Fate of All Mankind. Remember, this is 97% true. I won’t identify the 3%.
Whatever your reason for running on a booze cruise, just make sure you do it in style – with flamingos, 80s HBHBs, drunk cruisers, and Goodr shades. And remember, if I can run on a booze cruise, you have no excuses. Rule 76.
*This article was another stellar contribution from our buddy Kate Waller. Because she hearts us.