I’m not really sure when it happened, but at some point, an evil cabal of mustache-twirling politicians, corporate executives and oligarchs (aka the Illuminati) pulled off one of their most nefarious tricks. Indeed, this is a trick that likely set the human race back decades, if not centuries. Some might even say this trick is more impressive and dastardly than the mass brainwashing that was required to make Avatar the top grossing movie of all time. What was this trick? Quite simply, it was convincing the world that these sunglasses are “cool” (see photos, right and below) and worse yet, that you need them as part of your standard running gear:
Now you might be tempted to say, “Well, sure, they look a little silly, but that design is necessary to make them functionally optimal for an active sport like running.” That temptation is, of course, wrong and most likely the lingering effects of the nerve gas used by the Illuminati to trick you into liking these abominations in the first place. These sunglasses are an affront to human decency and anyone who tells you differently is an Illuminati mole who is also trying to implant a small microchip under your skin to control you.
Let’s look at an example. This monstrosity is referred to as “PRIZM™ TRAIL FLAK 2.0 XL”
After you have finished swallowing the vomit in your mouth caused by looking at these, let’s move on to the features straight from the deepest circle of marketing-speak hell:
- PRIZM™ is a revolutionary lens technology that fine-tunes vision for specific sports and environments
- The XL edition offers enhanced lens coverage and specialized lens curvature for protection against sun, wind and impact
- Unobtanium® earsocks and nosepads keep glasses in place, increasing grip despite perspiration
- Patented High Definition Optics® (HDO®) provides superior optical clarity and razor-sharp vision at every angle
- O-Matter™ stress-resistant frame material is both lightweight and durable for all-day comfort and protection
What the fuck did I just read? PRIZM? O-Matter? Unobtanium!?! Where to start with this shit… I guess we’ll go with the most ridiculous part first: the term “unobtanium” is actually a widely used term that the Oakley marketing team has hijacked. Wikipedia describes it as such:
“In fiction, engineering, and thought experiments, unobtainium is any fictional, extremely rare, costly, or impossible material, or (less commonly) device needed to fulfill a given design for a given application.”
The fact that they used (and trademarked) the term unobtanium to refer to pieces of rubber that they glue to their frames demonstrates a level of hubris and disconnect from reality that it is surely indicates the End of Times are nigh. Also, not for nothing, but the movie Avatar uses the term “unobtanium” to describe a rare metal that is a core part of its plot. Pretty sloppy of our Illuminati overlords to let this term slip into multiple pieces of propaganda.
Next, apparently the HDO “technology” provides “superior optical clarity and razor-sharp vision at every angle.” Really? You’re going out for a 5-mile run, not flying an F-14 Tomcat over enemy territory to bomb a munitions factory. Who reads this and thinks, “You know what’s standing between me and that 4 minute mile? My lack of razor-sharp vision at every angle, that’s what.” (That last question is rhetorical, but if it weren’t, the answer would be that inbred slack-jawed yokels read this and think that. If that’s you, stop reading now.)
And, I mean, we can talk about whatever-the-fuck “O-Matter” is and whether a person with average intelligence could be convinced that it actually has meaning, but then we would all blackout and start bleeding from our ears. Suffice it to say that all this devilish marketing speak and soulless corporate jargon has just one purpose: to convince you that running sunglasses don’t suck. But they do. And you’re slowly learning that fact.
Now that the Illuminati fog has been cleared from your eyes, you might feel a little woozy and discombobulated as your senses return to reality. You might also feel despair as you contemplate a running life without the ability to protect your eyes from all those UV rays.
But don’t you worry, Baby Bear, goodr was founded to solve just this type of corporate injustice and our scientists have been laboring for years to bring you running sunglasses that are not only functional, but also aesthetically pleasing. Behold the goodr Running Sunglasses.
While these beauties aren’t constructed from PlatinumObtainiumSteelHardTM materials, the goodr Running Sunglasses provide you with most of the same great benefits as the ugly, expensive sunglasses (shielding your eyes from the sun!) and so much more. Here is a helpful table comparing the two types of sunglasses:
Expensive Toolbag Sunglasses
goodr Running Sunglasses
Protects your eyes from the sun with polarized lenses and UV 400
Snuggly fits on your head to prevent bouncing
Grip coating to prevent slipping
Can be purchased without the sale of a kidney
Ugly enough to ensure celibacy, allowing you to focus on training, rather than maybe getting laid by another human being
Tough enough to withstand being run over by a car because you’re forgetful and left them on the roof of your car and further proved that you shouldn’t have nice things
Special GPS alarm system that prevents you from leaving them at the bar because you had too much to drink
Can be worn at a bar without people wondering why you’re dressing up as a Navy SEAL
So stick it to the Illuminati overlords by tossing your ugly, expensive toolbag sunglasses and putting on our beautiful, affordable awesome-person sunglasses. Dig out that microchip from under your skin! Sneeze out that mind-altering nerve gas! Don’t drink their kool-aid. Drink ours instead! Down with expensive ugly-ass running sunglasses! Up with affordable kickass sunglasses! Viva la goodr revolution!