Nessy’s Midnight Orgy

$25.00

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NO SLIP. NO BOUNCE.

ALL POLARIZED. ALL FUN

We designed these running sunglasses to look good(r) and stay comfortably on your face whether you’re haulin’ ass down a mountain trail or drinking beers in a Mexican cantina. Quite simply the best looking running sunglasses you can buy for less than $50.

1 Lens: Polarized
2 Lens: UV400 Protection
3 Frame: PC frame with grip coating
4 Weight: 22 grams
5 Color: Teal with Teal Lens
6 Color Name: Nessy’s Midnight Orgy

THE NITTY GRITTY

PRODUCT ORIGIN STORY

LOCALS COMMEMORATE FIRST PURPORTED SIGHTING OF LOCH NESS “MONSTER” WITH ANNIVERSARY ORGY

  • BY WILLIAM WALLACE


Los Angeles – SHE had first appeared centuries ago, in Scotland’s Loch Ness, with only a handful of recorded sightings. At first, the fables and tales of the jurassic Queen Nessy were pleasant in nature, joyous, in fact, as her true personality was not monstrous at all.

A highly sexual being, revelers would come from around the globe to express their deepest kinks in a safe environment while feasting on the aphrodisiac slimy lakeweed that covers the depths of the loch.  Polyamourous, interspecies relationships were formed there that lasted for centuries, and peace reigned throughout the World. Queen Nessy would perform burlesque water ballets for royal families and peasants alike, who came to hold hands, dance and sign treaties. It was Utopia.

This glorious harmony became swathed in a black cloud as Queen Ness became one of the first proponents of feminism in Europe, spreading her empowering message across the land via rolled up paper notes in bottles.  Alas, at that time, the religious sects and moustache-twirling aristocrats of Europe got wise to her message of equality, and reframed Queen Ness as a horrible Monster in order to diminish her power.

Grainy photographs, eye-witness accounts, and artist renders have filled popular culture since then which have sullied her legacy.

She left the public eye and nary the top of her regal head has been spotted in the Loch Ness since.

Then, last Saturday at midnight, the World rejoiced when she was spotted in Echo Park Lake in Los Angeles. Doug & Christie Haymaker, a married couple of recent retirees, saw her crowning glory emerge from the lake and instantly orgasmed just at the sight of her. “I am not the type to get excited unduly, but I’ve never experienced arousal so intense,” said Doug, 67.

As the passion mounted around the lake, couples and singles, old, young, from all backgrounds and sexual orientations, were drawn, running at breakneck speeds to the lake as if pulled by fire in their loins. The world speed record was broken by 47 year old Nancy Williams, who ran from her front door in Redondo Beach into Echo Park Lake in 19 minutes flat.

Dozens joined up to take part in the reawakening. As the night went on the affair became rather raucous, and yet a peaceful equality permeated the gathering. At midnight, as the crowd lit up their e-cigs and cuddled one another in the grasses around the lake, they joined in a quiet but powerful whisper, “Hail Queen Nessy!”

Annie Leibovitz, one of the few uninebriated attendees, caught the candid shot accompanying this article. Nessy’s appearance was hazy as ever, but those who were there have no doubt of what they saw and felt. Hopefully she is here to stay.

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